It isn’t easy to tear pages off your life and hand them into someone else’s hands. Trusting them to accept. To understand. For me it is a leap, one that I want to take. Finally. I did, however, realize that I will never be able to dedicate words in the most direct of manner. My writing would always be a combination of feelings that I felt due to something that happened in my life. Big or small. Happy or sad. It will in the end be a mere emotion on pages and a memory engraved in my heart .Sometimes words do no justice neither to the feeling or the memory.The aftertaste of sadness is still on the tip of my tongue and I am afraid it’s bitterness would touch those around me. So here is to my first journal entry on the internet and not paper. I hope this courage to write about myself sticks with me for days to come and go. 

In the End……Maybe the happiest ever after is knowing that through it all, I stayed true to myself. I never lied, I never sugar coated the truth, I didn't give up hope. And now, after all that was said and done, expect the worst and hope for the best. There’s nothing more I could have said, and things play out for a reason. This wasn't how I planned for all of this to end. But life happens. All good things come to an end and sometimes we must re-adjust to change. Where one ends, another begins.

This forever changes who we are. But I will never forget who we were together. I’ll never forget our times of happiness, laughter & love. You may not know that a part of me will always love you. And your memory will forever linger with me.

Presence

It amazes me how the presence of a person can eventually become only a memory. What was once human, and alive, can only leave you with only a memory. Simply memories. Death is something that can never be avoided, but it seems to come at all the wrong times. We all started as nothing, and when we leave this world, we will again become nothing. All that will ever be left behind are memories. Nothing else. Memories can be comforting, but after a loved one is gone, it just seems so saddening to know that memories are all you will ever have left of them. It’s also a scary thought, to know that one day, hopefully far far in the future, that  is all that we ever be left of me. Or anyone else for that matter. Only memories. Miss you Luis.

I love that I can connect with someone mentally and spiritually. Like we can talk for hours, about nothing and enjoy every minute of it. we can enjoy silence together, and the slight sound of each others breathing is so comforting. when I have to sometimes still look away when we make eye contact because he gives me nervous butterflies. I can lay in bed, and just the thought of him makes me smile. 

Thank you

Thank you for teaching me endless things during and after our relationship. Thank you for teaching me to love. Thank you for teaching me how to care. Thank you for teaching me on how to use my creative side on the times I wanted to surprise you. Thank you for making me happy. Thank you for showing me what it’s like to have the world. But I’d also like to thank you for breaking me. Thank you for tearing me down. Thank you for teaching me on how to put my wall back up and make it that much stronger. Thank you for teaching me to not to trust again. Thank you for telling me that I’m just not enough. Thank you for telling me that you can’t handle me. Thank you for telling me I’m not the one because your heart was never here, it’s always been there. Thank you for teaching me to not fall but to prevent myself from being hurt. Thank you, for all that you’ve done for you. Thank you for showing me both the rights and wrongs of this miserable world. 

Honesty

I love unmade beds. I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment. I love the look in people’s eyes when they realize they’re in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up and they’ve forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favorite character dies. I love when people close their eyes and drift to somewhere in the clouds. I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with their breakdowns and their smeared makeup and their daydreams. Honesty is just too beautiful to ever put into words.